[ His fingers linger against Basch's lips as he listens to those words. Bends down to brush another kiss there, too. ]
I've never done this with anyone before either, Basch. I never let anyone get close enough to become important, but you have. You are. And I'm just as terrified about it, if I'm honest.
[ His fingers brush against the other man's jaw, gaze dropping to his lips and breaking that eye contact finally. A hint of shame as he takes a deep breath. ]
Choice... it's not something I'm used to, not really. Everyone who came before this place, none of them were ever real. I couldn't let them be. Not when I knew every one of them would be temporary.
Choosing who became permanent for me... that wasn't going to be my choice. It would have nothing to do with how I felt or what I wanted and everything to do with what my lineage demanded, to create the next generation of Gautier. I might as well have been sold out for stud, for all the say I would have in it.
So I got used to being... careless. Giving away what I could, because it was easier when it meant nothing. They all viewed me as a chance to get what they wanted, a step up in the world, so I used them before they could use me. I did... a lot of things I'm not proud of.
And when I got here... [ He gives a why laugh, shaking his head. ] Let's just say I felt uniquely prepared for this game. I've been playing it most of my life. Except I actually do have choices here. Maybe not many but certainly more than I ever had back home.
[ His gaze flits up to meet Basch's gaze again, serious and intent, amber eyes shadowed. ] And everything's been different since that first night with you. I want to keep choosing you, because I can, because I want to. You're the first person I've ever chosen, Basch. I don't have the words for how important you are to me. But trust me when I say, I will continue to choose you, continue to be delighted to be chosen by you, for as long as you want me.
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timeasmymeasure
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Date: 2024-08-03 08:55 pm (UTC)I've never done this with anyone before either, Basch. I never let anyone get close enough to become important, but you have. You are. And I'm just as terrified about it, if I'm honest.
[ His fingers brush against the other man's jaw, gaze dropping to his lips and breaking that eye contact finally. A hint of shame as he takes a deep breath. ]
Choice... it's not something I'm used to, not really. Everyone who came before this place, none of them were ever real. I couldn't let them be. Not when I knew every one of them would be temporary.
Choosing who became permanent for me... that wasn't going to be my choice. It would have nothing to do with how I felt or what I wanted and everything to do with what my lineage demanded, to create the next generation of Gautier. I might as well have been sold out for stud, for all the say I would have in it.
So I got used to being... careless. Giving away what I could, because it was easier when it meant nothing. They all viewed me as a chance to get what they wanted, a step up in the world, so I used them before they could use me. I did... a lot of things I'm not proud of.
And when I got here... [ He gives a why laugh, shaking his head. ] Let's just say I felt uniquely prepared for this game. I've been playing it most of my life. Except I actually do have choices here. Maybe not many but certainly more than I ever had back home.
[ His gaze flits up to meet Basch's gaze again, serious and intent, amber eyes shadowed. ] And everything's been different since that first night with you. I want to keep choosing you, because I can, because I want to. You're the first person I've ever chosen, Basch. I don't have the words for how important you are to me. But trust me when I say, I will continue to choose you, continue to be delighted to be chosen by you, for as long as you want me.