Open Post

[bardische]

Comments

[bardische]

[ it’s easier to process the affection like this: he’s whole. Useful. Human. He’s still not sure how he managed to catch Olivine’s attention so thoroughly, but it makes more sense than when he’s a monster. ]

Mmm so it’s just the ingredients that are unfamiliar. We have a similar field soup. Or maybe I’m just used to training recruits who cook it to mush. [ It’s said fondly though, like he enjoys training the younger soldiers.

His expression changes as the topic turns to essence, though. ]

I suppose I’m lucky then, to not have run afoul of it here. It’s not something I’m familiar with, and we don’t station anyone in this territory.

[massochism]

[that comment earns a laugh.]

I used to struggle with finding the right timing, too. Especially with how many different vegetables there are. I'd put the carrots in too early, or the potatoes too late, and it was definitely not the best. [but he'd learned from it. Enough to manage this now, at least.]

It's rare to run into anything with tainted or abundant essence in the water territory, thankfully. It's most commonly a problem in the wood territory, which is located in the southwest of the country. [a pause, his brows furrowing. It's not unlikely that Basch has spent all of his time in the water territory anyway, since it's fairly large, but still.] or the Dead Zone to the west of here, but little worth eating actually grows there anyway. That's where most of the more aggressive monsters come from, driven out in search of food and warped by the unstable essence of that place.

[bardische]

[ That laugh makes him feel warm and buoyant, and he can't help smiling back, knowing the exact mistakes he's talking about. ]

Those who don't start that way are rare, I think. It was easy to tell who'd been taught to cook -- I never trained any of those. [ He was so patient; they always gave him the students other instructors would grow weary of. ]

I've heard of the Dead Zone. There were some scholars looking into the links between your essence and our Mist, but it was a good deal too theoretical for my skills. I did not know that about the wood territory. Is it something that can be treated, if someone or something is overexposed?

[massochism]

Is that so? I had wondered if it was just me. [a strange thing to wonder, under normal circumstances.] Did you enjoy teaching them?

[Oh, but that makes him perk up a little. There's very little in their writings about other countries, mostly because they already had their hands full trying to keep the land from dying...]

Really? I've heard of Mist in passing before, but only that it exists... most of our scholars ultimately focused on home, especially when the Dead Zone started to grow.

But—the short answer is yes. Essence itself is actually just a part of things naive to Klein—for humans and yokai, it's something that can be measured in the blood. It exists in a balance that allows for us to live, and can serve as an early warning of sickness. Similarly, I can sense it in you too—probably because you've been living here for a time.

There are plants with particularly neutral essence that we make into tea for mild imbalances. I drink it from time to time because I have a naturally high level of essence in my body, so it helps to calm me.

When it's worse... there are a number of ways to rebalance it, from medical procedures to shared body contact, depending on how mild the symptoms are.

[bardische]

[ It's his turn to smile, shaking his head. ] The learning process is the same for most, though some will just learn to like it to avoid correcting. I suppose I did enjoy teaching them. I like seeing others set up for success, and I liked seeing where they landed years later.

[ He liked...the almost family of it, though it was also nothing like family. A class moved on, and many he barely saw again.

He continues to eat as he listens, noting the vegetables are extremely well-cooked. Olivine had focused on perfecting this, and Basch finds that charming and admirable. ]

Mmm, the borders are more open now than they used to be, and understanding of magical properties is close enough to state intelligence to limit study from outsiders.

It does sound like essence and Mist have overlap. Mist is in everything living. Humans aren't sensitive to normal amounts, though Viera are, and Mist in concentrated forms is how our mages perform spells. They are more regimented than your magic, though I believe that's a long-standing choice and not innate. If there is a bad spill or artificial amplification, Mist can cause poisoning, or monster mutation. That's as much as know.

If your essence is too imbalanced, what are the symptoms? And...is there a point of no return?

[massochism]

Mm, it sounds rewarding. Like when I'm teaching the children to read and write... some very so frustrated, but they're always the ones that are the most triumphant when they finally figure it out.

[He loves to watch as they learn and grow, after all. To give them something gentle to learn from...]

Viera... those are the people with lagomorph features, right? [again, he doesn't know much about them—doubly reasonable with Viera but he doesn't know that—but the name has been out there.] We don't concentrate essence, exactly, for magic—but it's definitely similar, yes.

With essence, it's usually influenced by the seasons or location. As far as I know, it's very difficult for anyone to actually collect enough essence to cause problems on their own.

Ah... it depends. Symptoms fall under a wide range, from fever and sickness to... well, physical arousal. [His cheeks flush as he says it, the sight fidgeting suggesting that he perhaps deals with that part from time to time.] There is a final limit to what the body can take, yes. It varies from person to person—it takes a lot more for me to feel the effects of essence poisoning than the average person, for example.

There are... a lot of case studies on the effects of it, mostly in the records of healers. A large mass of chaotic essence essentially destabilises the whole body from the inside, so if it isn't regulated, the buildup will shut down the internal organs one by one. Thankfully, it's very rare for it to be that bad—you would have to truly neglect yourself to go that far.

[bardische]

My frustrated ones are typically too old to change drastically, but it's still rewarding to see my students learn. [ His face is soft with memory ]

Mmm, yes. They are a different species entirely, though reclusive so not a lot is known. They live hundreds of years, and it's believed they cannot produce offspring with humans, though it may be cultural. They are legally immune to our politics and borders, for the most part, as we have no way to enforce them, and Viera Mist usage is so potent, it could be a real security risk to aggravate them.

[ He frowns slightly as he listens to the explanation, trying to fit the pieces together. ] And does relieving the arousal relieve the essence poisoning? Can anyone help with the sickness, or is specialized treatment needed?

[ Will I be able to protect you? ]

[massochism]

Mm, that seems to be the case most of the time. [that soft face makes him smile more.]

I see. It sounds slightly troublesome, but at least it seems like they don't intentionally cause problems.

[Basch's followup questions make sense, but he reaches to squeeze a hand in reassurance.]

Yes, if it's minor enough, that's a way to help. Anyone with essence can help to regulate it, generally, since it can be shared with contact. If it's more major... it really depends on what is actually happening. We have some medical procedures that can help, usually involving dispersing the essence in the body.

Thankfully, it's very unusual for something like that to happen.

[bardische]

[ He laughs a little more openly. ] Some did, but I don’t hold it against them.

[ The answers soothe Basch, and the touch on his makes him warm again. Alright. So he can help, if it’s a problem. He still doesn’t fully understand, but if he has essence then he can be of assistance to Olivine.

He puts a hand on the other’s knee briefly, squeezing. ]

Alright, that’s good enough for me. Did you want to talk about whatever was worrying you, or is that enough for today?

[massochism]

[He looks sheepish at that question, taking another bite of his food before speaking again.]

I don't mind talking, but... I'm still not really sure where to begin. I know you wanted to know more about me, but I've actually... lived a fairly boring life, I think. I guess I'm afraid that it won't be enough to keep connecting to you. [that he'll be boring or out of touch, or Basch will find something out about his actions and decide he actually is despicable and—]

[bardische]

[ Basch’s hand seeks out Olivine’s, steady and firm. ] That’s a normal worry, but I would know already if it was going to be a problem. [ Here, at least, he can trust his experience and higher age. ]

It doesn’t matter if we are different. I like your company, and I appreciate your values, and you don’t have unrealistic expectations of me.

[ He doubts Olivine is as boring as he thinks, but he remembers feeling that way about himself. Still does sometimes. ]

We’ll keep getting to know one another. Slowly. That’s normal too.

[massochism]

[the reassurance helps more than he expected, that smile broadening a little in turn with the words and the grip on his hand.]

That's... true. Thank you. Sorry, I'm actually not used to talking about myself. Or with people. I... [maybe the hardest part for Olivine to wrestle with is actually the easiest to start with, in some horrible irony. he still hesitates, implying more but struggling to find the words to say.] I wouldn't really know what to expect out of someone else, anyway. I've only really ever known what it is to be a priest.

[what he does say is, of course, still concerning.]

[bardische]

[ That...explains why Olivine doesn't have the same protest to the way the villagers were acting that Basch does. But it doesn't surprise him. He just nods, trying to figure out how to say what he wants to say. ]

I'm not either. And my only expectation of you is that you be honest with me about what you want and don't want. Especially if it changes. That's all. You don't need to feel self-conscious on my account.

[massochism]

I can do that much. [he exhales a laugh at that, nodding. for the most part, at least, that's... easy, even.] But I'm always self-conscious, really.

[his free hand rests over the gemstone in his abdomen, clearly a familiar, soothing gesture.]

I know that we're alone out here, and yet I still find it hard to form the words. But ah. When I say that my life has been boring, I actually mean that it was... well, very rigid. Teaching and books and practical exams, drills on what is expected of me. There wasn't much time to do anything else, especially with expectations set so high. [and that explains why he learned most of his cooking from books.]

[bardische]

I relate to that. Being self-conscious, and having trouble talking about things even when no one could really be listening.

[ He feels like he’s still not saying what he wants. That Olivine is safe. That there’s so little Basch could possibly judge him for. Not with Olivine being alright with what he is. ]

I’ve known others like that. Rigid, academic upbringings because of their titles or aptitude. It always seems…lonely.

[massochism]

[he's closer than he thinks—this ultimately has more to do with Olivine's thoughts on himself, and the rigid certainty that he should be anything but what he actually is. after all...]

Mm. [he nods understanding at that, shifting to nestle in a little closer, to perhaps hide himself a little against Basch's side. because Basch is safety, he's proven that time and again.] I think it comes from being used to helping others, perhaps. At least, that's what I can imagine for both of us.

It's lonely. [no denial there.] I didn't actually know that was what I was feeling until it was too late. My parents are—both very reputable priests with the church, so it was always known that I would be taking after them, especially when I was born with a gemstone, able to help regulate our elemental altars. I worked hard, and I was always busy with classes. Other students rarely paid any attention to me, other than to express their awe in my work. I didn't know how to tell them it was just... hard work and wanting my parents and God to be proud of me, because I was afraid to fail them. I still feel like I am failing them.

[just saying it is visibly difficult for him, shoulders tense and gaze downcast. Basch has seen how they act around him now—the idea of admitting this to anyone can only have gotten harder as time went on.]

[bardische]

[ Basch sets down his soup so he can properly put an arm around Olivine, body realizing the other is asking for comfort before his mind does. And he's so glad to give it, so glad to be back in a position he even can. It was the worst part of the curse. ]

Used to helping others, and trying to live up to impossible ideals [ He murmurs. For himself, for so many of the people he mentored or served. ] No one can carry their burdens alone, especially when those burdens are to take care of an entire people. They may not be able to see you be human, but you have to have space to do it or you'll break. That's just the way of it.

[ He does, though, squeeze harder at the worry that Olivine's authorities would not be proud of him. It's a real worry, Basch knows, made worse by others thinking what came to the powerful came easily. ]

Sometimes their expectations leave no room for success. It is a hard path.

[massochism]

[There's a funny sort of clarity that settles in as Basch holds him again. As he speaks... some of the things that plague him, and receives comfort in return. In the quiet, as he listens to Basch breathe and speak, he finds himself at once elated and guilty. Sure that he's misrepresented something, not because he actually thinks he would but because a lot of it he's never voiced to anyone.]

... I know, but... there was no one I could talk to. [was.] I thought about ways out of it, but it really was all I knew. Everyone knew what I would be, so there was no escape. It's... stifling, trying to behave, to pretend I don't want anything.

[The words slip from his lips and he pauses, the sudden rigidity of realisation taking him. He hadn't meant to admit that much, let alone burden Basch with it—even though the man had offered to hear it, to share his burdens.

It's automatic, the way he laughs. He doesn't even realise what he's doing, trying to preempt an argument that will never come.]

Sorry, I don't mean to complain. But that's... really all there is to me. A priest who never actually wanted to be a priest.

[bardische]

[ Basch just holds him, letting him say what he needs to. He doesn't know, but he's guessing this is the first time some of this has seen the light of day. He knows that feeling, when the plug gets pulled and the words keep coming. He's been on both sides of it.

And it makes him ache, that this sweet man has been so utterly alone. At least that's something Basch can help with, even if he can do little for the rest. ]

It's a hard life [ he repeats. ] And the younger we are, the less control and perspective we have. I used to tell myself I would return to Landis and discover what I wanted from my life when the occupation ended. It never ended. By then, I'd been a solider for so long...I didn't know anything else. And I was good at it. But I'd failed my country, and I'd failed my family, and I'd failed in my role.

[ There's no real emotion to it. He's far enough away that it's just facts of his narrative. But he does understand. It had hurt for a long time. Probably still does; it's just scarred over.

Losing his home again had been...that wasn't healed yet. ]

What do you want? No, too difficult a question, I think. What parts of your role do you genuinely like?

[massochism]

[He can only imagine it, and he isn't sure how to say that. The empathy is easy though, warm hand moving to lace fingers between Basch's own. The idea of failure is such a lofty one, even without the emotion to it.

Olivine thinks he can understand that much. He doesn't know what to say to comfort something like that, especially since the other is here, outside of even his former home... so he doesn't risk opening any scarring wounds. It's more obvious in these actions anyway, in the squeeze of a hand that states both I'm sorry and I'm here for you.]

Genuinely... I like the actual duties of the role. I like spending time with the people, and being helpful. Seeing the children learn and grow, helping to alleviate the pain of others. Teaching and learning, myself.

[He's a priest, through and through. Warm and kind, patient and generous. Whatever he's been told he has to embody, that's where the issue actually lies... Olivine still can't actually see that, though.]

[bardische]

[ Basch isn't expecting the comfort back. Not because Olivine isn't the type to give it. Simply because his own comfort is always a blindspot. He lets his fingers become entwined, squeezing back lightly. It is always easier to take comfort from someone who is willing to be comforted, and so he gives that to Olivine, too. ]

So it is not the life you object to, but the isolation and pressure to present as a priest and not a man. That is understandable, but workable.

[ He'd met nobility or legacy military with similar problems. The ones who liked the role found peace; the ones who didn't had a harder time. ]

[massochism]

Mm. [It's confirmation without words, as he focuses his attention on the hand in his, the warmth of Basch next to him. Otherwise he's sure he'll slip into his thoughts, into the memories of his own past.]

I can't help but just... selfishly want what I want, after all. It's why I gave myself the piercings, and why I've... tried things on my own. It's not a desire a priest is supposed to have, especially some of the things I enjoyed.

[He smiles a little more warmly then, finally looking up at the blond. The slightest shimmer of tears is there in his eyes.]

I didn't... think anyone could actually see me as a person, for a long time. I didn't know how people acted, the ways they lift each other and help each other. I'd never spoken to people until I came of age, not unless they were teachers or classmates. Mm, or my siblings, but I wasn't home very often when they were just born either.

[bardische]

What men do in private is only the business of them and those they trust with it [ Basch murmurs into Olivine's hair. ] Your piercings are beautiful, and they hurt no one. Most other tastes are the same. I...have bedded other men who needed release but were too under scrutiny to find it themselves. It isn't all that uncommon, and taking care of their needs helps them do their work better.

[ He wasn't sure how Olivine would feel about that, or about how little Basch wasn't willing to do for those he served, but it was the truth, and the other deserved that.

The glisten of tears, though, break his heart again, and if he were willing to move either of his hands, he'd cup the other's face. It's not the first time he's heard a story like this, but somehow this time it guts him more. At least the princes and general's children had others who understood. ]

I'm sorry you've been so alone. I will be here, so long as you want me to be. [ It feels important to offer again. He can tell this was a lot for Olivine to share, even if it changes nothing for Basch. If anything, it makes him feel more protective.

He may be a monster, and socially mediocre at best, but he can protect, and he can mentor, and he can love, and if that's what Olivine needs, then maybe this was a kind twist of fate to put them together. ]

[massochism]

[that statement, murmured so simply, is almost enough to rattle him. after all, his piercings... well, they're their own source of contention. that he doesn't want to talk about, doesn't want to worry Basch over. (never mind that it will probably be anger, not concern, that fills the moments after.)]

I'm glad you think so. [he offers that much, thumb brushing the back of Basch's hand.] And it's a relief, I think. That you were able to help them... and selfishly, that I'll benefit from that.

[it shouldn't have a negative connotation, but selfishness is not something he's been allowed to have. it's thrilling and frightening to speak it, to feel it, to know he won't be pushed away for it.

less selfishly, he slowly comes to terms with the passage of time, remembers what they were doing.]

It's alright. I'm not alone now... that's what matters to me. It makes the loneliness I felt feel much less important. [that also feels important to say, and he squeezes Basch's hand again before finally releasing it, reluctantly.] Are you still able to eat while I lean on you? I can move if you need.

[bardische]

[ The anger at any of this hasn't come yet. He's too preoccupied with soothing. But it will come, especially as he pieces more together, and especially when his transformations make him less even-tempered.

Right now, he's just relieved to feel some shift in Olivine, calmness returning -- and not a distanced one, he thinks. ]

Good. I want it to benefit you.

[ For a man who puts his own wants and needs last, he does not quite catch the emphasis on Olivine's selfishness, because he sees it as nothing of the sort. And he doesn't think companionship negates years without. But there's no sense arguing it. His answer, though, comes easy and quick. ]

Stay. You are not the only one who has been lonely.

[ Which feels...perhaps too forward, perhaps too much focus on himself, but he thinks the excuse may be easier for Olivine than telling the man to stay if he wishes. And it's true. This firm, gentle contact is...wondrous. Even before his curse, there was so little of this kind of closeness in his life. He bedded others, yes, but that was where it ended.

But he does lift his bowl again, not intending to waste Olivine's efforts. ]